Saturday, August 1, 2020

Cat Dairy Chronicles 10/4

Cat Diary Chronicles
What are the cat diary chronicles? These are two diaries found in a storage locker by storage locker pickers. The author of the diaries is now deceased. I thought it would be fun to share them. All traceable names will be changed.

We will be starting with the Siamese Diary. The beginning of the diary does not have the year but it is added a few pages later so I'm assuming we are starting in 1987.

10/4 Skipped several months

This last months have been most traumatic. 

Got a job and started on March 31-just in time for a year end audit that lasted forever. 

Tom and Diana's marriage hit the rocks on June 20 and Tom moved home. He was so depressed-and on July 11th he died. At first we accepted that he killed himself-the Lord only knows he took enough pills and booze to sink a ship. I found an expired vial of Valium that he appeared to have injected. But the coroner's report said there were no drugs in his system.-his heart simply gave out.  It all seems such a waste- and now we struggle to put our lives back into place. He walked out of life leaving me holding the bag-as usual. The roof will still leak, the bank will still slide and now I don't have his muscle to help.  I don't know what I'll do-I sure can't do it alone and I don't know where to turn. I'm angry and I feel such a loss. He was still my brother-with all his faults-and I still loved him-but never told him. Damned dummy-the ultimate rank-but this isn't funny.  I don't think I'll ever be able to erase the memory of him sprawled in the hallway-he looked just like he was asleep. But so cold. Maybe if I had been patient-as in bit more caring-it would have made a difference, but I'll never know. All I know is that I keep hoping I'll wake up from this very bad dream and his smart-assed remarks and jokes will return.  

If its been hard for me, its been worse for mom-she was with him when he died. In a way, his going brought us closer together. Not unselfishly. I am much more aware that her life will not be forever and cannot deal with losing her. I want to spend as much time as possible making it easier for her. She's been hurt so much-and I can't deal with her being hurt by anyone anymore. 

It's been hard on Jim-I've withdrawn from him and he doesn't understand. I still love him, but my feelings for Mom are stronger. I could use his help, but I will not ask for it. He doesn't like her, nor she him. This is my problem to resolve.  He can stand on his own, she can't now.  But how can I get him to understand? I feel like I'm in a loop-between and betwixt and don't know up from down.  I don't even know if I care which is which. I do know that here is a security here that I need-and want-but I cannot divorce myself from other's needs. I don't know how long I can hang-loose without grasping for help. I know I can't do the house alone, nor can Mom stay there once the weather turns foul. Tom won't be there to help with buckets this year and I'm just tired of trying. I want to fold up in a cocoon and wait for a better time. 

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