Today my husband I did something new.
After 20 years of being together that doesn't happen very often!
What did we do?
We fought over text messages!
I kind of liked it though. We both said what we wanted to say and didn't have to worry about kids walking in and out and hearing us fight and obviously, there was no body language to worry about.
Sometimes you just have to get shit out in the open and tell each other you are being assholes. And I admit, both of us are assholes.
Fighting is something some people have to learn how to do. I grew up in a house where whenever my mom would get mad she'd yell and eventually storm out the door to "cool off". Occasionally barefoot. That was my role model in how to work things out.
My husband on the other hand grew up where yelling turned into violence. Which meant he didn't know how to deal with confrontations at all.
We've come a long way in learning how to communicate with each other, although, 20 years later we are still learning.
I think? We are ok now. No one is crying or yelling or packing so I think we are all good.
I keep telling him that we should make a contract each year on our anniversary and then the next year we can either renew it or go our own ways. He thought I was joking! Noooo nooo I'm serious! For some reason he thinks that original "I do" was enough to last a life time. Umm yeah, have you looked around lately? How many people do you know that are either 1.) divorced or 2.) divorced a second time.
Obviously sometimes you have to renegotiate.
So anyhow, here is the top few things on my "contract" list. Like I said we've been together for 20 years and will be celebrating our 20 year Anniversary in June (maybe, maybe not, see above haha). I had no idea I needed to add things like this into my vows back then!
1.) Sex. At least once a week but more is always good.
2.) DO NOT EVER EVER EVER let me know you sharted in your under ware. EVER.
3.) Put your dirty clothes in the clothes basket. Not on the floor next to the basket. Not touching the basket. Not in a pile somewhere. IN the basket. Preferably NOT the basket of clean clothes.
4.) Buy your own under ware, socks and clothes.
5.) Don't make me have to be in charge of your stuff. Sometimes I just want to be a person and not a mom or a bellboy.
6.) Always tell me I look nice. Flattery will get you everywhere and maybe I'll buy more steak.
7.) Touch me. Daily. Hourly would be better.
8.) When we are together please limit work drama to 5 minutes. I know you need to download but I have heard it a million times and unless you want me to call your boss and tell him he's an asshole talk fast.
9.) Talk to me about something besides (both of our) work. If you can't think of something to talk to me about we need to spend more time together.
10.) Random acts of kindness are always appreciated. Gas station roses still make my heart flutter.
11.) Take a shower before you go to bed. Even if you don't think you need to.
12.) Talk to me during the day.
13.) Plan something spontaneous without me knowing.
14.) Remove at least one piece in our junk yard.
15.) Tell me you love me.
I'm sure he would have a lot of things on his list and I'm open to hearing them.
I promise to never say penises are ugly ever again.
(but boobs really are prettier) .
I like your contract!! Those are some good ones!!
Love it!! I think when you are together that long you get to comfortable and forget there is another person in the picture along with all the chaos of life. I agree on the contract!! Great stuff!!
This is a great idea! I love what you've put in the contract and he should make one up as well.
You're correct you do need to learn how to fight. I was living with my hsuband and he asked me to marry him. I said if he went to counseling with me I would. He said he would do anything for me.
So we did. My goal was to learn how to fight. He used to say awful things in a fight and then tell me he didn't mean them. To me that was easy - then don't say them because I remember EVERY @#$! ONE OF THEM.
So we learned how to fight fair. It has been a HUGE blessing. In 25 years we rarely fight. Best thing we ever did for one another.
like your contract!
I always said if we renewed our vows they would be different this time around... More like do you promise to pick up your socks, not use your wife's towels, remember she likes flowers etc ....
I totally agree that vows should be far more realistic than they are. I don't think people really listen to them anymore.
I hate that Matt never fights back. I feel like I wish he had the balls to just say I'm being unreasonable and crazy. I know it, I just need someone to tell me that once in awhile.
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